Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Sex Memo

To: Men
From: Reality
Date: May 18, 2010
Re: Sex

For those of you who didn’t get the sex memo sent earlier.
It seems many men did not get the sex memo sent earlier. Of course, there’s a reason you didn’t get it. The dog ate it, you never received it, and maybe someone stole it before you had a chance to read it. Maybe terrorists intercepted it. Fortunately, this follow-up memo recaps the essential points of the original one.

• Sex is different for men than it is for women. When we are young and unfettered by family and other responsibilities, sex can be great. It can be all consuming. Particularly in the first months of a relationship, sex can be exhilarating. It’s not unusual to have sex frequently and/or in unusual settings.

• Sex changes between months four and eight. This is how you’ll know that the relationship is entering the next phase. Once a relationship progresses to the next phase (Phase II), other factors will have a profound effect on your sex life. Some of the more common factors are: fatigue, frustration, anger, stress, kids, family, work, medicines, your attitude, your expectations, health, her attitudes towards sex, and age to name but a few. This “change” usually takes the form of females not being “in the mood” just because you “make a move”. For men the change takes the form of believing they’re “entitled” to have sex whenever – where ever they want; clinically this is known as androtoxicity.

• Also, there’s a concept called “sexual response cycle”. Basically, it means that most men can be sexually ready within a few minutes of having a sexual thought. Women, on the other hand, have a very different response cycle. For men, foreplay may take two – ten minutes. For women, foreplay may take two – three days.

• Men commonly mistakenly assume that women should respond sexually in much the same way as men. This is a deadly assumption. If you want to actually learn something about the sexual life of your partner, For Yourself by Lonnie Barbach is an excellent book.

• It is said that the human brain is the largest sex organ. Get to know what’s going on for your mate.

• If you want to “get lucky”, be sweet, help around the house, ask if there are things you can do to help, say nice things, NEVER make smart-aleck comments that you think she’ll think are amusing about her appearance. Every woman in the Western hemisphere has been trained over hundreds of years to be insecure about her body – don’t give her more reasons – she has more than you’d ever know about.

• If your mate has children, accept the fact that you will ALWAYS be number two. You may not like it but get over it – that’s the way it is.

• Different people have different appetites. You may be able to eat three cheeseburgers; not every can or wants to. Just because your partner’s sex drive is different than yours, it DOES NOT mean something is wrong with them. Unless you NEVER want to have sex again, don’t say your mate is “frigid”.

• If you liken sex to a meal, every night is not going to be a gourmet dinner; sometimes it’s macaroni & cheese.

• Criticizing your mate is a great way to kill a budding romantic mood.

• It has been scientifically proven that every time a man makes a critical comment about their mate’s body, their own “love muscle” shrinks by one millimeter.

• If you want to know what turns your mate on ask her. (It may take several days for her to answer this question.)

• Women don’t enjoy being with an inebriated (sloshed) partner.

• Porn is a lie.

• Sex is nice – pillow talk is better.

• Animals can have sex – it takes a human to be intimate.

• When women say they want romance, it doesn’t mean they want to dance the tango, hear poetry or want you to watch a chick-flick. It means they want to have time with you when they feel relaxed and cherished. Try a foot massage (10 minutes or more), look into her eyes and touch her hair.

• Your partner needs to spend time with her female friends. This doesn’t mean until two o’clock in the morning, this means for dinner. Keeping a woman from being with her friends is like not putting oil in your car. If you don’t change your car’s oil regularly, it will seize. If your mate doesn’t get to go out at least every two weeks with her female friends, she will seize and you’ll never have sex again.

• When in public with your mate; if another hottie enters your field of vision, KEEP YOUR EYES AND NECK STRAIGHT. Even women with no high school diploma instinctively know that your eye and neck muscles are under your voluntary control. If you say they aren’t under your control; that’s as dumb as saying, “OJ didn’t do it.”

• Hugging and cuddling are WAY more important than you’ll ever know. Hugging and cuddling ARE NOT an automatic invitation to start running bases thinking this may be your “lucky day”.

• Never assume you’ve got a green light. This is true whether you’re driving or when you’re with your mate. Even if the moment “seems” right & ready to you; whether driving or being with your mate, signal before making a move.

• Take a shower and brush your teeth.

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